


This Isn't Okay

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Author Hasn't Finished Reading Canon, Author has no idea what he's doing, Eventual Smut, Incest, M/M, Mutual Pining, My First Work in This Fandom, POV Second Person, Panic Attacks, Parent/Child Incest, Self-Hatred, Sibling Incest, Slow Burn, Work In Progress, copefic, there's a lot of wild gesticulating headcanon as well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 06:40:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12337497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Your name is Dave Strider and you thought you had a pretty good handle on your life. You got decent grades, you turned 16 a few days ago, and you're the second coolest (arguably THE coolest) dude you know.And then you fucked everything up.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys so, I'm a new fan and I'm actually _still reading_ HS so uhhh don't expect this to be the most in character thing you've ever read. 
> 
> This is pretty self-indulgent coping-fic nonsense built off of mainly the first 3 parts. This isn't necessarily a Sadstuck fic, but it deals with a lot of heavy topics (incest, self-hatred, anxiety) so use caution when reading. Since the entire fic is full of potential triggers, there will not be trigger warnings for specific parts which may be more triggering than others. If you think the content may be upsetting, please don't read.
> 
> The working title is/was "Dave has a series of progressively upsetting and worrying panic attacks," and if that doesn't set the mood I don't know what does.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't okay.

Prologue

> Dave: Realize this isn't okay. 

  


This isn’t okay.  
  
You close your eyes, fingers brushing gently over your brother’s wrist, and you know he’s going to lash out. To do something-, anything, something violent maybe- But nothing happened. You weren’t pulled into a sudden strife, you weren’t thrown to the ground, and though it wasn’t in your bro’s character to scream at you a part of you was surprised he wasn’t breaking character right now just for your transgression.  
  
Your name is Dave Strider and your totally rad brother is on a day off from being a super amazing DJ for the first time in months. That means that finally, after waiting several painstakingly long weeks, the plan you’ve hatched with your best friend John Egbert can come to fruition.  
  
But this was stupid. You psyched yourself out already- after all this waiting, after hyping yourself up for months- all the time planning wasted as you realized something: **This wasn’t okay.** This wasn’t fucking okay. John was fucking wrong. So fucking wrong, you couldn’t believe you went along with him. You couldn’t believe how long you’d been listening to his seriously uncool advice. It’s not like he’s a bad guy, he’s just also the least cool guy living in the northern hemisphere.  
  
The groundwork for this transgression was laid during a group chat truth or dare that quickly took a turn for the awkwardly sexual that only truth or dare games played by adolescent loners could. And somehow, it was intoxicating. You found yourself answering truth again and again, even though that was most assuredly not cool. You had never been the one to let it all out and with the sudden expectation to, you let some walls down you never should’ve even revealed you built up. Brick by motherfucking brick, and then--  
  
BAM!  
  
It had been just about a year ago on a fateful Friday when everything stopped being okay. Well-- That wasn’t true, it could’ve been okay, and it should’ve been okay. Your wall fell down just like fucking that- and for what? This. This was your fault. All your fault.  
  


> Dave: Remember where you fucked up over a series of excruciatingly long extrapolatory chapters. 

  


End of Prologue


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You fucking hate Truth or Dare night.

Chapter One

> Dave: Remember where you fucked up over a series of excruciatingly long extrapolatory chapters. 

  


ectoBiologist [EB]  began pestering  turntechGodhead [TG]   
ectoBiologist [EB] added TentacleTherapist [TT]  to the chat  
ectoBiologist [EB]  added GardenGnostic [GG]  to the chat   
  
EB: hey guys! hope you didn’t forget about game night!   
GG: no way! what are we playing this week??  
TT: I’ve been staring at my computer in anticipation for hours. How could I forget.   
TT: Also, you’re late.  
EB: im really sorry! my dad was home late so we didn’t have dinner until 9.  
GG: awww  
TG: oh god is it already time for this awkward shit again  
GG: its not bullshit! I tihnk its a lot of fun :)  
TG: yeah its a lot of fucking fun until you remember its truth and dare tonight and what happened last time  
TT: I thought we agreed to never speak of those transgressions again.   
TG: youre goddamn right we did but shit man you dont forget drunken rambling about geriatric wizards in a month   
TT: Dave, please.   
GG: awww rose you werent that bad!  
EB: well, now we know not to dare rose to drink again at least!  
TG: yeah dude totally a learning experience for all of us  
TT: If I recall correctly, Dave, you were the one who asked the that question. So really you have no one to blame for your apparent trauma but yourself.  
TG: shit man you’re right i totally shouldntve ribbed my friend about her weird wizard porn if i wasnt prepared for the answer  
TT: You’re being so overdramatic.  
GG: i think ur writing is cute rose! u should show it to us more :)  
TG: oh hell no she is not showing us more of that  
TT: Dave, have you considered this raw, throbbing vulnerability and disgust for something I produce in my spare time might be a dangerous weakness for me to prey upon later?  
TG: rose im serious dont  
EB: i mean, i don’t really get why it bothers you so much it was just kissing.  
TG: are you serious it was two fucking grandpa wizards making out how can that not bother you  
TT: Would you find any comfort in knowing they’re not old men and that I frankly am baffled but amused at your conclusion and subsequent horror?  
TG: what   
TG: their fucking wizards of course their wrinkly old guys  
TT: I prefer my wizards a bit less wrinkly, personally, but if you want to interpret it that way who am I to stop you?  
TG: do NOT turn this around on me like its my perverted brain   
TG: how am i supposed to know your wizards are the only wizards under 80 in literally any form of media ever  
TT: Hmmmm…  
TG: oh no youre writing this shit down to psychoanalyze me later arent you  
TG: fuck this change of topic  
TG: someone start the game  


  


The game started innocently enough. Jade always gave easy tasks since she was afraid of hurting their feelings, John was a bit too nervous to go big himself and stuck to easy but silly dares. Meanwhile, Rose merely used it as a chance to pick their brains, but when wasn’t she doing that?  
  
You knew the game would eventually take a turn for the more extreme or end soon. Three 16 year olds can only take so much bland and incredibly boring truths and dares before letting loose. But hopefully not as loose as last time. You had easily learned your lesson on dares AND truths last time.  
  


GG: truth or dare rose!  
TT: Dare. I’m feeling adventurous.  
GG: okay draw me something!  
TT: I suppose Paint will suffice?  
GG: sure!   
  
tentacleTherapist [TT] sent Jades_Picture.png   
  
  
GG: omg rose this is so cute i love it :)!!!  
TG: shouldve asked me to draw you something youd get an a plus fucking comic for free  
GG: heehee maybe i will next time!  
TT: Glad that you find it suitable.   
TT: Okay, my turn.   
TT: Dave, truth or dare?  


  


Oh God, why was it you. You had two choices. Play into her hands and choose truth, which she absolutely wanted you to do, or put yourself at risk at what she’d possibly dare you to do after the fiasco last time. Could you really open yourself up to the revenge she’d undoubtedly passive aggressively rain down on you?  
  
Fuck that.  
  


TG: truth  
TT:Would you say your predilection for ”coolness” is a way to hyper-masculinize yourself to overcompensate for you homoerotic desires?  


Seriously, where does she get this shit?  
  


TG: yeah okay you got me rose im a big ol twink  
TT:I’m being serious.  
TG:and im seriously saying if im overcompensating with hypermasculinzation ro whatever the fuck, you have some explaining to do with your wizard porn fics  
EB: come on dave, she’s not trying to be mean. i think.   
TT: Correct, I’m not trying to be mean.   
TT: I think you should choose me next round.  
EB: your turn dave.  
TG: fine truth or dare  
TT: Now, I’m going to say truth, and you’re going to ask me if I overcompensate for my homoerotic desires by writing “wizard porn fics.”   


  


What.  
  


TG: what  
TG: okay you know what fine  
TG: do you overcompensate for you homoerotic desires by writing nasty wizard porn fics  
TT: Considering the fact that I’m a lesbian, yes.  
TG: what are you serious  


  


Oh God, you’re an asshole.  
  


EB: wow! rose i had no idea!   
GG: :o awww youre coming out to us?! rose im so happy for you!!!!  
TT: I am serious. It’s something I’ve been considering for awhile now and I think I can safely say so after a lot of introspective thinking.   
EB: that is so awesome!  
EB: that you realized that about yourself i mean!  
EB: not that you being a lesbian is cool.  
EB: i mean, it is cool.  
TT: John.   
EB: i am sorry i do not know what to say that is not rude!  
TT: It’s okay. I wasn’t particularly concerned since I knew you would all accept me and, frankly, it’s never been a relevant topic prior. I’ve known for awhile.   
EB: uh well if we’re coming out i guess…  
EB: i think i am asexual.  
GG: really :o?   
TG: what really?   
EB: you all seem surprised.  
TT: I have to admit, I’m surprised myself. I had you pegged as a closeted bisexual.   
TT: But I suppose that was close-minded of me, I didn’t even consider asexuality.   
EB: it is funny you say you thought i was bi! i thought so too for a long time!  


  


You had no idea what to say. This didn’t matter to you. John being asexual didn’t matter, Rose being hella gay didn’t matter. You’d never really thought about it before. What do you even say to something like this? “Congrats, you’re gay!” It’s not like you weren’t supportive, you didn’t care if they were gay or fist deep in puppet ass, that shit just didn’t matter to you and it never did.  
  


GG: im so happy you guys trust us enough to come out!! thank you for telling us!  
EB: well yeah, of course i trust you! you are my friends.  


  


You could feel your heart beat loudly in your chest though you weren’t sure why.  
  


TG: not to change topic but like completely without irony  
TG: im sorry for earlier rose   
TT: For what? Your question was not only socially acceptable considering I posed a similar question to you, but your hypothesis was correct. Trust me, it doesn’t bother me.   
TG: i thought maybe it was insensitive  
TG: shit this is really fucking with my cool points  
TT: Well, I think being able to apologize for mistakes is pretty cool. Not everyone can do that.   
EB: yeah! being a good friend is really cool.  
TT: So, back to my question you didn’t answer?  
TG: wait you actually expected an answer?  
TT: I wouldn’t have set myself up for the same answer if I didn’t. I was hoping my coming clean would influence you to be truthful and know I’m not judging you.   
TG: uhm okay  
TG: i dont think im gay or bi or anything like that  
TT: I notice you use the word “think.” Have you not considered it before?  
TG: i mean i have but its just not important to me  
TG: who cares if im gay bi or whatever im still the coolest dude around  
GG: thats a good way to look at it :)  
TT: Yes, I agree. That’s a surprisingly healthy way to view one’s own sexuality.  
EB: yeah! whatever you are, you are still the same cool dude we all know and love.  
TG: ok ok enough of this gay hugbox shit i appreciate it but i dont need to be patted on the back because i might not be straight  
TT: Yes, this positive attitude is welcoming but a bit overbearing to say the least. Though, it is appreciated.  
EB: wait, jade can i ask you if you are straight?   
GG: of course! im pretty sure i am but were still young so who knows :)!   
TT: Yes, an apt conclusion. We are still young and we all may find ourselves to not be what we think, or perhaps we will change.   
GG: exactly :)!  
TG: whoa wait what what do you mean change  
TG: someone cant just become gay out of nowhere  
TT: Well, it’s not “out of nowhere.” It’s a slow progression over time, usually the course of several or many years. But yes, someone who was straight can become homosexual or bisexual, or even asexual.   
EB: wow, i did not know that!  
GG: me neither :o!  
TG: no fucking shit  
TG: id assume youre fucking with me but considering the open dialogue we got going here as a sign youre not  
TT: That’d be the correct assumption.   


  


This. This is weird. And spoke way too closely to your current neuroses. The game kept going but suddenly you couldn’t focus. Could someone really become gay? Did that even matter? You meant what you said, you didn’t care if you were gay or not. But it was still… well, weird. Were you ever even sure you were straight before? Sure, girls are cute, but what makes Rose different when she looks at cute girls? Do you feel the same way she does? And what about John? What did he feel? How did they know?  
  
Was it normal to be so confused by something like this? Did Jade feel the same way you did when you look at boys? Did her heart beat a little faster, did she feel just slightly dizzy? Did Rose look at cute girls and think how nice they look? Or did her heart beat a little faster, did she get ever so slightly dizzy? Would it even appropriate to ask something like that?  
  


EB: uhh, dave you there?   
TT: Did I scare him away?  
GG: no!!! im sure he was just tired  
TG: oh shit sorry i was thinking about how utterly fucking amazing i am in every way  
GG: haha okay cool guy :) truth or dare  


  


This was Jade we were talking about. This was small fucking miniscule ass potatos. But also… It ‘s strange. You want to talk more about yourself. You want to be able to express, “Hey, I have no fucking idea what’s going on with me romantically or sexually,” without losing a massive amount of cool points.  
  


TG: truth me   
GG: okay! Uhhhhh  
GG: do you like anyone??  


  


Oh, shit.  
  


TT: I’m interested in this query myself.   
EB: if that means you’re curious i guess i am too.  


  


Yeah, you regret picking truth. You should’ve realized with how the game had just gotten off the topic of sexuality it would inevitably move to asking if they were dating anyone. Not that you were, but it’s not like you could honest with this. But breaking the rules in a shitty game for hormonal teenagers is definitely uncool. You cringe internally and you try to figure out a way to skirt the rules with your coolness intact.  
  


TG: yeah but i cant tell you who   
GG: :o!!!  
TT: Interesting…  
GG: do you mind if i ask if its a girl or a boy?  


  


Had your heart been beating faster before this point? You weren’t sure. The question shouldn’t bother you.  
  


TG: boy   
TT: So, the turntables.   
TG: oh my god  
TG: that wasnt even a joke  
TG: that was barely a pun  
TG: im literally in physical agony lalonde  
TT: Sorry, have to meet the shitty joke quota. You know how it is.  
GG: whats he like?   
TG: only the coolest dude around  
TG: next to me of course  
TT: You sound like you really admire this guy.   
TG: yeah? so what if i do?  
TT: It’s just nice to see.   
EB: yeah! are you dating him? you really sound like you like this guy if you think he’s that cool!  
GG: yeah, whats he like :o?  


  


You carefully consider what information would be safe.  
  


TG: were not dating  
TG: not cause im like a giant pussy and wont ask him out or something like that  
TG: but im pretty sure hes straight  
TG: sides hes way too old for me  
TT: Oh, a teliophilic interest? And yet you were on my case not even ten minutes ago for a smattering of gerontophilia.  
TG: i dont know what those words mean and i dont think i want to know  
TG: anyway  
TG: hes really handsome   
TG: i guess  
TG: even though he doesnt really smile a lot   


  


Oh god why were you typing this.  
  


TG: but when he does its fucking beautiful man   


  


Holy shit, stop it, this isn’t cool.  
  


TG: and his fashion is top tier irony  
TG: hes so fucking cool  
TG: holy shit i need to shut up  


  


Fuck, fuck, fuck why did you fucking type all of that what the fuck is wrong with you now they all know--  
  


GG: dave omg!!! thats so cute! i didnt think youd be all lovey dovey ever!!  
TT: Seems you really have a thing for this guy. Shame he’s older, but I guess being attracted to the unattainable is a part of the human condition.   
EB: i do not know! i do not see why that automatically means it’s doomed!  
EB: i mean, we are 16, and that is probably legal there, right?   


  


John, you well-meaning-idiot, don’t.  
  


TG: no trust me it really wouldnt work out  
TT: I concur with Dave. Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it will work out. It sounds like he has feelings for this man, and relationships with age-gaps that big rarely work out well. The younger party is very likely to be hurt.   
GG: really :( thats so sad  
TT: Well, it’s not always true. But statistically speaking, Dave is more likely to come out heartbroken even if he reciprocates. He’s straight, remember?  
EB: but he said he THINKS he is straight!   
TG: john i get youre being a good friend and all that shit but real life doesnt work out like your shitty movies  
TG: just because i have a giant throbbing hardon for this guy doesnt mean everything will be happily ever after just cause he gets a hardon for me too  
TG: which for reference is super fucking unlikely  
TT: While I agree with you, Dave, I find it odd you’re so reluctant. Seeing as it being is there, wouldn’t it be prudent to try?   
TT: Unless you think he is a homophobe.  
TG: uh okay one not legal  
TG: the age of consent is 17 here  
TG: two no its not like that  
TG: it just would never happen  
TG: lay off it  
TT: Your aggressive dismissal leads me to believe there’s more at play here than his sexuality and age.  
TT: Would I be correct at that assumption?   
TG: yeah and im not going to talk about it so ill say it one more time  
TG: lay  
TG: off  
TT: Will you answer a final question?   
TG: shit man why the fuck the not im already bearing my guts out to you  
TT: I’m not trying to piss you off, for reference.  
TG: referenced away in my archives of times lalonde was unwittingly a douche  
TG: which by the way are fucking teeming  
TG: anymore and ill literally suffocate in your unwitting douchebaggery  
TT: I’m going to ignore that for both of our sake’s.  
TT: Is this attraction what most people would consider taboo?   
TT: Like to a teacher, someone who is an authority?   
TG: shit i guess  
TT: Hmmm… okay, thank you for answering. I’m sorry for being an unwitting douche earlier, by the way.   


  


Shit. You felt like you were going to pass out your heart was beating so hard. You took a deep breath in, hands trembling slightly over the dirty keyboard. You shouldn’t be so snippy with Rose. You brought it on yourself. It had felt good to talk about him. It wasn’t like you could just… open up about it. That wasn’t an option. God, you feel sick. Actually physically sick.  
  
You need to lay down. You needed to disengage ASAP, you suddenly felt like the utter fucking garbage you knew you were and somehow it felt like it was going to radiate through the computer screen any second now.  
  


TG: no offense guys but im hella fucking tired  
TG: gotta catch some zzzs to continue being the most rad dude i can possibly be  
EB: night dave.  
EB: it was fun playing!  
GG: yeah :o! night cool guy haha :)  
TT: This was an illuminating experience. Sleep well.   
  
turntechGodhead [TG] left the group chat  


  


That was almost as bad as you expected. No wait, it was way fucking worse. Why did it always end up going to sexual shit on truth or dare night? Guess it was partly your fault for goading Rose on last time, and partly your fault for goading on Jade… Not that you really minded Jade, you’re just not sure if you needed to know she was a ‘lowkey furry’ whatever that meant.  
  
Whatever. That sucked, you hate Truth or Dare night. Fuck Truth or Dare night. You glance at the clock in the right-hand corner of your computer screen.  
  
Jesus was it already midnight? For such a boring game they’d kept at it for awhile. What was next week’s game? You Don’t Know Jack, you think that’s it. Damn straight, you’re great at that game. And you don’t need to open up about yourself and leave you raw vulnerable viscera lying on the table for everyone to look at awkwardly and shit. You nodded quietly to yourself and ignored the fact you’re shaking, the fact you feel incredibly nauseous, and most importantly the fact that you couldn’t fucking breathe.  
  


> Dave: Pretend everything is normal while the author casually timeskips.

End of Chapter One


End file.
